So I have been wondering about connection, connection to self, connection to nature, to the cold water, to making paintings. Getting into these still states of flow, or should we say awareness - tapped into by all of these ways and methods, by immersing into the sometimes iced water, by drawing, by the breathing exercises I commit to everyday, by meditation, by being in nature. It removes me from a part of myself, removes the thinking mind, personality, experience, conditioning, societal and relational interactions & influences that can cause so much discomfort at times, what can be called the ego mind. Those ruminations of low self worth, anxiety, frustrations, questioning, ties to identification and where I am on this attachment based scoreboard that can be believed of as all there is to life.
Instead from a young age without realising I have been seeking the sweet, calm freedom of non association. Not wanting to sound too cheesy, contrived or a tad woo but letting go of much, assumptions, ideals, persona, expectations, and not being tied to anything in particular but to everything seems to be the way that everything points to, these modes of connection. This is where we can find freedom.
We get so comfortable and assured when we stick to familiar routines, mechanisms, ideals, we forget that there is no ‘right way’ there are many many ways and they are all interchangeable, fallible. In fact why do we continue with old patterns and supposed systems. Our experiences are based on multiple factors, perspectives, data points and they are fickle, fluctuating, forgettable - and they stem from our very limited biological filters. Most of what we consider truth isn’t really, if we question it, these world contracts are made up, stories, our beliefs, we realise that there isn’t really anything that is absolutely certain. There is great beauty and solace in realising this. That the real truth and the most trusting state is found in this state of flow, and we find this eventually or by necessity mostly through the extremes, discomfort, through suffering, seeking predictability in the unpredictable or vice verse, chaos over strategy. Not holding on to anything too tightly. Being in presence, like M Singer said ‘the moment in front of you is not bothering you, you are bothering yourself about the moment in front of you’. If we can drop these turbulent states and like the peaceful cold water that stills the thinking mind, firms or affirms a connection to ourselves in whichever way you may translate this.
At every turn we get given these opportunities to understand, if we are aware enough., when we get stuck over and over or are cycling around old stories. As Buddhism states drop the stories, drop the stories. Or with daily reactions and annoyances that pull us in, we know how uncomfortable it feels, yet we are seeking comfort in the places where we will not find solace, in the addictions, the avoidances. This peaceful state/consciousness is impossible to explain and it is found through creativity, through stilling the mind, releasing and trusting the world a little bit.
‘The thoughts are supposed to come back. It’s just are you attached to them or not. It’s just about noticing if there’s any velcro left.’ Byron Katie
Hitting my forties was a massive physical transformation, my body has changed so much, at a cellular level even and most days it is unrecognisable to me, there are pains and restrictions that I have never felt before. Again I came to a realisation that this is another pointer, that non acceptance becomes a sign that I too have to let go of this body. Tapping in to a natural beauty, assurance - complete within myself without the need of clinging too tightly to this corporal vehicle, ways to let go of the persona, we are constantly being given the signs to let go, surrender yet it seems so hard.
In a way this too is what I try to incorporate with the young children I work with, letting go of holding on to too many constrictions, seeking curiosity, instilling and embracing change and failures, experimentation, we do not know what world lies ahead for our children and we are still so entrenched in impirical systems, if we can encourage intuition, invention, fearlessness they will fare with more fortune and ease.
‘In every seed is the promise of a thousand forests’ Deepak Chopra
I have been working on two large works for one year now, well in intermittent bursts, they started with an almond tree in bloom that looks over the studio, they are now becoming very blue and abstract with looping strokes, I think they will be finished soon as the tree is patiently waiting in its hiemal state to bloom again, full cycle. I too spend time every morning in cold water, or with the snow and have made a few acrylic ink black and white works on canvas of barren trees, subnivean and settled. I love watching the ripples of the water that change dependent on the weather and the reflections that shimmer and move across the stone house walls, dancing. I am starting to love winter, its invigorations and clear crisp views.
I heard a new word the other day which I felt very appropriate - Apricity - the warmth of the sun in winter.
‘I would like to decorate this silence, but my house grows only cleaner’ Linda Gregg
Current group exhibition is at the beautiful cultural space in San Salvo with 10 other regional contemporary artists.
